The last time I posted, I was bogged down in what I cannot do anymore, and losses which were out of my control.
I have those spells, particularly from November through January of each year. It isn’t seasonal depression, I love the winter, it’s more of an anniversary reaction for the time I spent in the iron lung so long ago.
As I could have predicted, my malaise has passed with January’s passing and I am now living on the bright side of the moon. Physical problems have receded into daily routines, and I am once again loving, laughing, and playing my days away.
It was a dramatic shift. After months of feeling like I weighed 2,000 pounds and couldn’t lift my head from the sofa side, I feel energetic and in control of what I am able and wanting to do each day and night. Over the course of one weekend, the compass turned 180 degrees.
I am happy.
But credit is due where noted. Frank came to my therapy session and the two men, through some magical act of osmosis became ancient tribal medicine men and healed me in a fortnight. Sure, I had something to do with it, but honestly I was falling deeper into the pit than I have in over ten years and suffering immensely. At the time of my last posting, I really couldn’t separate my emotional deadness from my physical obstacles. I think this may be true for many people who suffer chronic illness, with or without pain. Yes I have that too, but I have a new approach to pain as well, and am avoiding most of it by conserving my physical and emotional energy. I have that luxury over others who have true chronic pain syndromes. My heart goes out to you.
I began my recovery with Frank and Peter and went on to start doing small things against my tendency to isolate. I visited my new neighbor and stayed and talked. She seems unhappy, but it didn’t sway me and my forward motion to feel better. She’s had a lot of real life loss as well, and it helped to feel not so alone with it.
The next day I made a bracelet. I had had the materials for over a month, and was unable to do that which I find such pleasure in when I am in a level mood. It’s a genuine blue sapphire and fine silver bracelet. All of the silver is handmade either by the Karen Hill tribe in their family forges in Thailand or by Bali craftspeople. I seek out these people to buy from to support their efforts at self-sufficiency and creating beautiful works of art.
The next day I used materials I had had for three months, and created a glass and crystal light blue necklace with an Italian hand blown Murano butterfly heart pendant and large silver heart shaped clasp from Bali. I still have the matching bracelet to create.
I go on about this because right now this is my affirmation of life. Creating the jewelry gives me a purpose, an artistic outlet, and something about which to feel accomplished. It’s meditative, it’s spiritual, it’s the real deal for me.
I hope by reaching out to you, you find an affirmation, too. I recall when I was in the iron lung at age five, I learned to paint on a paper using my mouth to hold the brush. I know a little about finding purpose and self-expression in life in a movement toward joy.